the kitchen is banned

my father was always thin during his life and well into his adulthood; all of his siblings were as well. they were small framed and they assumed it was genetics. no. it was not genetics. they were being malnourished. my grandparents fed them, but they never had the right amount for nine kids. 
i myself was a small child, then adolescence took hold. i grew. i was 'average' size for a middle schooler. my father called my things like 'pig' and 'porkchop'. i guess he assumed that cutting me down was a way to make me thin again. he was wrong. it only made me starve myself for months. i remember eating a cookie and water everyday for lunch for months. i was only 13. i needed correct food, but i was scared to eat in front of my father in fear that he would ridicule me and tell me that i was 'stuffing' myself. we once went on a vacation to north myrtle beach. it was a lovely place and i began to feel a bit more comfortable in a bathing suit. i was genuinely happy with myself. i got up one night to get something to drink and my father caught me opening the refrigerator. he spit insults at me and my weight. it made me cry. i cried for days as he continuously slung rude remarks at me.
to this day he still does this. as a matter of fact, he just said one as i ate lunch. my mother asked him what was for supper. he replied, "nothing, alex ate it all."
no matter what i do, i will not be good enough for my father. it makes me so depressed to think that my father loves my skinny sisters more than me. it's like he doesn't love me at all sometimes. like i'm an ugly wall fixture in his life. i tell myself that if i become thin, he will love me and wish to talk to me. i know this is naive, but i'd like to at least have something to hold on to. a false reward for an unrealistic goal.