To Jason, With Admiration

i have an acute case of separation anxiety that is increasingly getting worse. this codependency isn't going to let up. i want to be held close, close enough to hear me breathe. i need to be needed. don't leave me alone to rot in my own self esteem. 
it's moments like these when i realize that i am very much a teenager. my angst to go against the family's grain, the need to rebel. my sadness... tear stained pillows with blood stained sheets. it's all a recipe for this beautiful disaster of a life. 
you see me at my happiest; you hold me at my most vulnerable, and kiss me at my most passionate moments of my life. i don't understand why i am so emotional and i'm sorry that you deal with it. i love you and it scares the hell out of me. to know that at any moment, my heart could break. shattered. it terrifies me to know that someone has that much power over me. it's a thrill and a warmth that fires my soul, driving it to want you with exceeding passion. 
don't let go, don't walk away, don't forget what lies beneath this train-wreck. a beating heart full of desire and ambition to be with you.

the kitchen is banned

my father was always thin during his life and well into his adulthood; all of his siblings were as well. they were small framed and they assumed it was genetics. no. it was not genetics. they were being malnourished. my grandparents fed them, but they never had the right amount for nine kids. 
i myself was a small child, then adolescence took hold. i grew. i was 'average' size for a middle schooler. my father called my things like 'pig' and 'porkchop'. i guess he assumed that cutting me down was a way to make me thin again. he was wrong. it only made me starve myself for months. i remember eating a cookie and water everyday for lunch for months. i was only 13. i needed correct food, but i was scared to eat in front of my father in fear that he would ridicule me and tell me that i was 'stuffing' myself. we once went on a vacation to north myrtle beach. it was a lovely place and i began to feel a bit more comfortable in a bathing suit. i was genuinely happy with myself. i got up one night to get something to drink and my father caught me opening the refrigerator. he spit insults at me and my weight. it made me cry. i cried for days as he continuously slung rude remarks at me.
to this day he still does this. as a matter of fact, he just said one as i ate lunch. my mother asked him what was for supper. he replied, "nothing, alex ate it all."
no matter what i do, i will not be good enough for my father. it makes me so depressed to think that my father loves my skinny sisters more than me. it's like he doesn't love me at all sometimes. like i'm an ugly wall fixture in his life. i tell myself that if i become thin, he will love me and wish to talk to me. i know this is naive, but i'd like to at least have something to hold on to. a false reward for an unrealistic goal. 

i will spend my entire life trying to isolate the soul reason i compare current events to the minor ones of my past. why i flashback to that moment that left me thinking that it was my fault. that event must happen multiple times before i realize that, indeed, it wasn't my fault. it was the fault of someone much more "in the wrong" than myself. if i am to prosper with anyone, i need to let go and move on. this is what i am currently working on as a 'life goal'. it's not just for Jason, it's for anyone i've ever hated before because, well, recently i've learned that those who you've hated all along can become someone you grow to admire and confide in. those who have challenged you can show you how far you have traveled and grown. new hobbies must be created, new ideas challenged, new stability formed. a new era must occur. i think i'm on the right track. i am taking on a more organized lifestyle. i love it.