meltdowns.

on most normal days, i am a rational human being. but during moments like yesterday night, i become something else. something that makes me fear myself. it happened after i left Jason's. i started to feel the depression ease up. for a while i thought it was just a knot in the back of my throat. just something that can be swallowed and moved aside. but no. not this time. once my keys hit the floor of my room, i became alone. alone with my thoughts. they flooded me with anticipation and fear. i anticipated seeing Jason again and my fears were clear and riveting. they engulfed my mind without a moment's notice. without someone to divert my attention, i had no boundaries of the nonsense my mind could ponder. as i've mentioned before, my greatest fear is loosing the one i love: Jason. every time i go through a meltdown, i fear that Jason no longer loves me. therefore i am trying to contact him as much as possible to grab some hint that this is not true. by the time that i text him my face is covered in tears and my body is shaking. i loose touch with reality and become set to prove to myself that my thoughts are real. not that i would ever want Jason to fall out of love with me. but, at the time, i feel like he is telling me differently because he is scared that i will harm myself.

to be completely honest, i would fear it as well. i say that with the mentality of someone else. i know that i will not harm myself. i have lived in that eerie past and do not plan to return. i do however, become extremely pessimistic. 

no one has watched me go through one of these spells, considering other people are the antidote. hugging my knees does not suffice as another human being. 

through posting this, i wish to assess the situation and work towards recovery without therapy, one deep breath at a time.