meltdowns.

on most normal days, i am a rational human being. but during moments like yesterday night, i become something else. something that makes me fear myself. it happened after i left Jason's. i started to feel the depression ease up. for a while i thought it was just a knot in the back of my throat. just something that can be swallowed and moved aside. but no. not this time. once my keys hit the floor of my room, i became alone. alone with my thoughts. they flooded me with anticipation and fear. i anticipated seeing Jason again and my fears were clear and riveting. they engulfed my mind without a moment's notice. without someone to divert my attention, i had no boundaries of the nonsense my mind could ponder. as i've mentioned before, my greatest fear is loosing the one i love: Jason. every time i go through a meltdown, i fear that Jason no longer loves me. therefore i am trying to contact him as much as possible to grab some hint that this is not true. by the time that i text him my face is covered in tears and my body is shaking. i loose touch with reality and become set to prove to myself that my thoughts are real. not that i would ever want Jason to fall out of love with me. but, at the time, i feel like he is telling me differently because he is scared that i will harm myself.

to be completely honest, i would fear it as well. i say that with the mentality of someone else. i know that i will not harm myself. i have lived in that eerie past and do not plan to return. i do however, become extremely pessimistic. 

no one has watched me go through one of these spells, considering other people are the antidote. hugging my knees does not suffice as another human being. 

through posting this, i wish to assess the situation and work towards recovery without therapy, one deep breath at a time.

facebook.

facebook. a dreaded word. where you can "connect" with others. where stalking is one click away. facebook, how i hate you. yes, i have a facebook. yes, i am on it quite frequently. this is one of the reasons i hate it so much. it sucks me in. it's like a viral disease. i wake up, log on. log off. play WoW. log on while in dungeon queue. log off. play WoW. log on. log off. log on. log off. until finally i am well endowed with useless knowledge about people i hate. any female that is an avid user of facebook [fb] knows an ample amount on the subject of which i rant. 
you log on and see someone you really don't like. you click on their post, then read all the comments. /read /scroll /read /scroll
until finally you have clicked 'Older Posts' so many times that you have forgotten what month you are reading from. 
my question: why? why creep on the people you hate just to find things you will hate them more for? facebook, i hate you. creep you later.

a new era!

as i recently have posted, i will attempt to vlog. the pilot vlog will be filmed this evening. what makes me even more excited is that Kayla will be accompanying me on this voyage. i am a little nervous of how it will turn out and if i will sound like a complete idiot. I guess i will need the moral support. also, i think the video quality will suck because i am filming via webcam. cameras are available but i also want to test out the video capability of my webcam. another benefit of this: if my video turns out well, i will add Jason to my videos. he does not know this, but he will in due time. i believe that if you want someone in your life, they should be in all aspects of it. and yes, that includes my blog/vlog; that is if you couldn't notice by my constant reference to him. 

now that a new chapter has been started in my life, i am open to more opportunities and i will be taking them. why, hello world! let me shake you warmly by the hand!  

sorry!

i have not been blogging recently and i feel horrible for it. i am, however, going to try to vlog. yes. VLOG! i'm not sure how great that's going to turn out, but it's going to be an experience. don't judge me for my appearance during said vlogs.

i guess the reason i truly wish to try all of this is to feel like i am progressing. if i read back on previous posts, i see how i have learned. silly? i don't mind. so, i may vlog today or later. but it will be done.

graduation and the rest of my life

well, i graduate tomorrow. i have been so prepared for this day all year. so excited to be leaving the public school system. as much as i'd like to state that i am prepared to go out into the adult world, i'm a little hesitant. i wish to stay in a limbo state between the two. like the summer that is rapidly approaching. that is the time i wish to stay in. before i have to go off to college, but after being considered a child. i am, however, ready to pursue a life with Jason. i believe that i have it all right this time around. i am ready to set out on a new path. i am ready to make life-changing decisions. i can do it all with Jason holding my hand to keep my balance between success and failing. is it that simple? to just rely all of your hopes and dreams on the partnership of a person? i hope so.